Other uses for Vaseline

Get your mind out of the gutter.

So rather than have this blog be 24/7 whine, bitch, moan about how tough it is having a baby… I’m going to also try and pepper in some actual useful advice.

And here’s an interesting tidbit. When we went to our first Pediatrician appointment for our son, we met a sweet mom who had been going to this doctor for over 20 years. She had in tow children #2 and #3, who appeared to be about 13 and 15 years old, respectively. She was sweet — she pulled out their baby pictures from her wallet, and couldn’t wait to share them. (The teenagers, it goes without saying, were humiliated. “Awww, mo-om.”)

In addition, she did share with us one nugget of wisdom that has seemed to work well: put vaseline on everything. Bruises, cuts, rashes. In one of our baby prep classes, the instructor said the best way to prevent diaper rash is to smear vaseline everywhere poo/pee can get. Well, this lady went one step further and said she puts it on cuts and bruises too.

And you know what… I think it works. Our son will occasionally cut or scratch himself with his out-of-control little arms that flail everywhere. (I assume some day he’ll get control of them, because otherwise, that would suck to be in a business meeting, and just having your arms fling randomly in the air while you’re trying to review the quarterly report.)  Anyway, we’ve been following her advice — yes, we’re in the business of following the advice of completely random people on the street (it’s basically how the internet works, right?) — and his cuts seem to heal pretty quickly. (Or do babies just heal vampire-fast anyway?)

One addition to the story: the sweet mom relayed a story to us about an elderly neighbor who fell (as old people are want to do), and could feel a big ol’ knot on her forehead starting to come on. She advised the elderly neighbor to quickly go and smear Vaseline all over it. And the neighbor swore that it prevented the bump from bruising/discoloring or from knotting up. Not that I advise going around thumping old neighbors to test this.

The Labor, Part I

Sunday marks week five of Quinn’s birth. And it’s taken me that long to crawl out from the rock that I was underneath. And to be honest I’m not sure were out from under that rock, but I gotta get back to my blog. Every day for the last five weeks I thought of something I wanted to put in a blog, but the lack of sleep, energy, will, motivation and free time have prevented me from doing so. Until now…

So it all started on Sunday, June 7. My wife woke up at about 4 AM complaining of some cramping; unbeknownst to us, it turns out that it was actually her contractions beginning. Now, everything we read in the book said that contractions would start pretty infrequently and last about 30 seconds each and come oh every 15 or 20 minutes. And this is where a common theme is about to begin: everything in the book is a lie. Come to think of it, I should probably start looking for those receipts for those books, because I’m pretty sure that the pages involving “My labor” were missing. Or better yet, perhaps I have a lawsuit on my hands. I think all I need would be a jury full of sympathetic mothers and my lawsuit of “Schell v. What to expect when you’re expecting” would easily be a $10 million payout.

Back to 4 AM: so my wife wakes up, and she’s complaining of some cramping. She says it feels like menstrual cramps except the cramps seem to be one on top of another. So I pull out my handy dandy timer application that I’ve already downloaded to my Blackberry and I start timing those suckers. Well I don’t know what happened in those cramps in the first wave that were supposed to come every 15 to 20 minutes because these were coming every 2 to 3 minutes and they were lasting 45 seconds to a minute each. And the thing is, my wife and I didn’t want to be one of those couples who rushes to the hospital way too soon only to be in early labor or false labor. But she didn’t have any of the classical signs of being in labor, I mean her water never broke. But by 5:30 AM these cramps were getting pretty painful and it was obvious to us that they were contractions.

And painful may be a bit of an understatement. Because my wife is pretty strong, but I’ve never seen her cry in pain until the morning of June 7. And here’s another thing I’d like to get a refund for: those stupid Lamaze classes. My wife and I went into this labor expecting to have a natural childbirth. We took the breathing classes. We knew the techniques. But I didn’t even get a chance to begin practicing my techniques, or practicing breathing, because her labor went from 0 to 10 in less than an hour. Within 90 minutes of waking up, my wife was on her knees crying, telling me that she couldn’t do this. I was all set and had my bag ready, I fully expected her to be in labor at the hospital, and be practicing my techniques there. When I pictured this labor in my head, I pictured us at the hospital doing our hee hee hoo. But instead, her pain jumped to a 10 before I could even get out of bed.

We left for the hospital by 6:30 AM and let’s be honest who doesn’t love the opportunity to drive 90 miles an hour. That’s one of the things I was actually looking forward to in this labor: getting pulled over by a cop going as fast as I can, and having an excuse to drive and seen how he would respond. We arrived at the hospital at 6:45 AM, and after some waddling into the delivery floor, my wife was checked into her room by 7 AM. After getting in her bed, the first thing out of her mouth was “I want an epidural.” But they needed her to be hydrated first, so she had to wait an hour. Perhaps the most excruciatingly long hour I’ve ever waited. Longer even then hour-long wait to the Ninja roller coaster at Magic Mountain.

Now to give you an idea of how quickly things were progressing for my wife, they measured her cervix at 7 AM and she was only 3 cm dilated. They measured her again at 9 AM, and she was 8 cm dilated. I’m not a doctor, and I’ve never had a kid before, but I’m pretty sure that damn fast. Now here’s where the story gets boring, because between 9 AM and 2 PM, nothing really happened. My wife slept, while I sat in the chair and read a book. I remember at one point, looking up and thinking how surreal all of this was. I mean, here was my wife next to me in labor. We’re in the hospital room. But other than that, it was a very normal Sunday. We didn’t have any friends or family coming in to visit us, so I guess it just didn’t feel like a very special event. After all, here was my wife snoring away while the beeping machine was showing her contractions going up and down.

Before I go much further, and get to the good stuff for the actual delivery, I want to take a minute to talk about one other big misconception I had. A good month or two prior to going to the hospital, my wife and I packed our delivery bag. It had everything we were told we would need in the hospital. And we typed up ourselves a little “labor and delivery plan.” And did we use any of that stuff in the labor and delivery bag? Hell no. Everything we packed sat there in that bag. And did we use our labor and delivery plan we wrote? Hell no. That was the first thing to go out the window. Followed a close second by my wife’s modesty.

The thing was, we just simply didn’t have any time to use any of that stuff. I got the hospital, an hour later my wife was drugged up, she slept, and before I knew it was two in the afternoon and they were waking my wife up telling her it was time to start pushing.

And here’s yet another thing I was like to about: I thought the pushing was a lot of screaming and cursing and swearing at the husband. I guess I learned everything I know about labor from sitcoms. Well in reality, or at least in my wife’s and my reality, the pushing wasn’t all that painful. She would push for about 10 seconds during the height of the contraction, and then take a couple minutes off. Kind of like a commercial break. In fact, in between the pushing sessions, she was smiling and we were making jokes. This was likely largely in part to the epidural that was preventing her from feeling anything below her waist. She turned to me and asked, “do you think they gave me too much epidural, because I can’t feel the pushing.” Now I can’t say I’ve ever experienced this firsthand, nor will I ever experienced this firsthand (after all I am a guy), but from what she told me I gather trying to push when you’re numb from epidural is sort of like having your mouth injected with Novocain at the dentists, then trying to whistle Zip–a–dee–do–dah.

Fast forward about two hours, and the baby’s crowning but it’s just not coming out. The doctor tells my wife and she may have to use the suction cup to help get the baby out. I think this was all the motivation my wife needed because within about five minutes after that, she pushed that baby out. At exactly 4:27 in the afternoon, our new bundle of joy shot straight out like a missile into the waiting arms of the doctor. In fact, the baby shot out so quickly I couldn’t even see what sex it was. Finally, the doctor held the baby up and said, “Congratulations! It’s a boy!”

And this is just where this story begins. In hindsight, that was the easy part of being at the hospital. I have much more to tell you about what happened immediately after the baby came out. And that my friends, is what we in the biz call “a cliffhanger.”

Gearing up for my new budgetary bundle of joy

File this under: “It’s the little things…”  But today was a big day for me, because I created my first “baby monthly expense item” in Quicken.  Baby:Diapers. Yup. $20.10 / week into the ol’ Quicken budget. ($87/mo.)

Hey!!! That means I’ll save money in February!

See, and you thought this blog was going to be all “interesting” topics. You really have no idea how much of a geek I am.

Next I’m trying to anticipate what other costs I’ll want to categorize. Obviously healthcare (co-pays, medicine, etc)… And eventually daycare (nanny?). And I suppose I’ll need to make an allowance for how much per month we can spend on Peanut. (I’ve already entered a dangerous zone at Babies ‘R Us where I saw a toy.. and it was, oh $18 or $20, and I thought, “Screw it. That’s nothing! I’m buying it.” The thing is, I will gladly — and stupidly — buy four $20 items in as many shopping trips, but if the item cost $80, I would go, “Hmm. I don’t know. That’s a lot.” Stupid brain. And how come they have to price everything juuuust below my cheapskate threshold. Jerks.)

Diaper Decision

Today marks a milestone of sorts. My wife and I made a baby-related decision! Chipping away at our to-do list. Sure, the baby won’t have a name by the time we’re wheeled out of the hospital, but at least we’ll know what type of diapers we’ll have waiting at home.

The answer: cloth diapers.

I’ll be honest. When we began our baby journey, I would have never ever (ever) considered using cloth diapers. I just assumed cloth diapers were only for die-hard hippies. It seemed like so much work. And I assumed there’s no way you could beat the price of disposable diapers.

Well, in true Papi Nuevo Fashion, I decided not to leave any researchable-stone untouched. My interest in creating a Toxin-free environment lead me to search for other varieties of diapers that are hopefully less harmful to Peanut’s soon-to-be bottom. I started with the major brands, Pampers, then onto “organic” or “green” brands, like Seventh Generation. And then I fell into the world of cloth diapers. Apparently organic diapers are a gateway diaper to cloth. It’s a slippery slope. (Pun!)

The more I researched, the more sense (and cents– pun #2!) cloth diapers made. In fact, except for the convenience of being able to throw away a diaper wherever you are, I could not find any benefit or advantage of disposable diapers over cloth.

Myth: Cloth diapers are messy. Before becoming Papi Nuevo, I thought cloth diapers meant hand-washing soiled linen in my sink, or in my washing machine. Fact: with modern cloth diaper services, you just throw them in a diaper-pail like disposable diapers, and the diaper company comes and picks up your soiled diapers on a weekly basis, and gives you fresh ones. They do all the work.

Myth: Cloth diapers are much more time-consuming, and harder to fasten. Fact: modern cloth diapers no longer require saftey pins. There are velcro/buttoned outer shells which make fastening diapers a cinch. (a snap? Pun #3!)

Myth: Cloth diapers are more expensive than disposable diapers. Fact: The cloth diaper service near my house charges $20.10 for 80 diapers (per week). That’s about 25¢ per diaper. But that price never changes, no matter the size of the diaper. And that is unlike disposable diapers. See, disposable diapers get more expensive as they get bigger. At Target, a store known to have pretty good prices, disposable diapers (plus tax) for newborns and size 1 diapers (up to 12 pounds) were about 21 or 22¢ each. Size 2 diapers cost 27¢, and the price only goes up from there as the baby gets bigger. So cloth diapers are actually cheaper.

Not to mention that on average, babies using cloth diapers are potty trained about 1 year before non-cloth diapers. (Because they feel the uncomfortable wetness much easier than in disposable diapers.) So factor in the fact that not only are they much cheaper at the potty-training-sizes, you will likely save a year’s worth of diaper costs.

Myth: Cloth diapers aren’t as effective as disposable diapers. Fact: Okay, this one could be true. It depends on what you mean by “effective.” Disposable diapers do a much better job at soaking up urine. But, the problem is, they give parents a fall-sense of security, thinking their baby’s diaper is dry. When in reality, the chemicals and urine are still there, touching the baby’s skin. That’s why babies in disposable diapers are five times as likely to get diaper rash. (In 1955, 100% of babies used cloth diapers, and only 7% experienced rashes. In 1998, 90% of babies used disposable diapers, and the likehood of diaper rash increased to 78%.)

Long story short: the “effectiveness” of disposable diapers are actually more harmful to babies. Plus, cotton diapers breathe better and cause less friction on the baby’s skin. Remember… dry does not equal clean. With a cloth diaper, there is no confusion. Dry = clean.

Each supposed benefit I believed disposable to have over cloth, was… as they say in the NFL… overturned upon further review. So to recap: cloth diapers are cheaper, healthier, and (with the exception of traveling) just as convenient as disposables. And, my cloth diaper service brings the diapers to me, without me having to lift a finger. No rush emergency trips to the grocery store. That’s a convenience you can’t get with disposables.

And this is to say nothing of the other obvious advantages cloth diapers hold over disposables: No use of toxins or chemicals. Lower rate of male infertility than with disposables. No link to asthma as with disposables. And don’t get me started on environmental benefits — of which there are gazillions.

So yeah, we’re choosing cloth. We’ll keep disposables on hand for trips as needed. But we’re proud to choose cloth to do our part to help the environment (and our checkbook). And, to be honest — we fully realize that not every child’s body is amenable to cloth diapers. But we’re going to give it a try. If we have to revert to disposables, so be it. But I feel good to be doing it based on an informed decision, and not just because it was easier. (Heck, it’s easier to just throw our fast food wrappers out the car window, right?)

My latest infatuation…

Tummy Tub!

From Holland, of course! (My wife made me say that.)  Ours is shipping in June.

KNOW YOUR PLASTICS!

In typical Papi fashion, I’ve squandered a large part of the day researching toxins and plastics. (My wife likes to call it “procrastinating from the work I really should be doing.”)

First stop is my quest for safe-plastic baby bottles… I stumbled upon this amazing webpage: Know Your Plastics, from HealthyChild.org. In 20 words or less, here’s what you need to know: Plastics labeled with a 1, 2, 4, 5 are basically safe. Avoid plastics with # 3, 6, and mostly 7.

We also found this thread, which… as with every other user-supplied-forum on the internet… should be taken with an amazingly large grain of salt… Discussion on plastics at Mothering.com. Of note, that thread is from 2003.

The Week In Review

I don’t care what the calendar insists. To me, Sunday is the end of the week. So let’s take a look back, shall we? (In no particular order…)

On Thursday, my wife passed the week 35 mark. Only 5 weeks to go. BabyCenter.com sent me an email in honor of the occasion, reminding me that my unborn child is about the weight of a honeydew melon.

On Friday, I took my car to our local neighborhood resource center. I had an appointment at noon for them to show me how to properly install my car seat base. I was amazed at how simple it was. (But, as my wife pointed out, they saved me from reading the manual, which could have made it seem much more daunting. True. True.) And best of all, it was free. Walking in, I got the impression that neighborhood resource centers might be geared towards… oh what’s the word… lower income families. But, my property or sales taxes likely fund it in one way or another, so I guess I don’t feel bad using it. Besides, is it my fault I did research and found that this organization offered a free service? Plus, the state highway patrol makes you wait weeks and weeks. This place was like, “Sure, when you wanna’ come in?”  Chalk one up for socialism! Suck it, GOP.

Friday evening, we went to ‘Babies’ ‘R’ ‘Us’. (I forget how many and where to place the superfluous apostrophes.)  If you read my previous entry, you’ll remember that a store employee told us that if you get a coupon within two weeks of your purchase, you can bring in your receipt and the coupon and retroactively apply it. Well, we had some “15% off any single purchase” coupons that began 13 days after our receipt. So we had to go in Friday night to redeem them.

Fast forward after about 30 minutes of confused customer service employees and talking with a manager: We were able to apply it to one of our $550 purchases (glider I think), and basically got $80. We opted for in-store credit, which I think made the manager slightly more amenable to helping us out. Plus, we plopped down like $3K in receipts, and he said, “Well, I can see you’ve spent a lot of money with us… so we’ll go ahead and do it.”  We took the $80 and bought another $300 worth of items. See, Babies ”’R”’ Us… it all worked in your favor.

On Saturday… oh Saturday… 9am-5pm Birthing Preparation and Lamaze class. It was good, but long. Learned lots of breathing techniques to help with contractions. Learned different positions to help with pain management, and different visualiztion / focus techniques. Watched about four videos of actual start-to-finish labors. (From sitting at home, to deciding to go to hospital, through baby emerging.)  Man, I definitely had a skewed version of labor. It definitely looked pretty intimidating. But, at least I feel slightly more prepared.

Well, that’s not true. With each of these classes, I would say before the class, I felt 80% prepared. After the class, probably 50% prepared. The variable here is that before each class, I didn’t realize exactly how much there was to deal with and to do. So my preception of what “100%” prepared really meant shifted, I suppose. Oddly, I know I left each class more prepared than when I walked in… but it’s like the door at the end of the hall just got that much farther away. Am I making any sense what-so-ever? Sports analogy time! Before each class, I felt like I was on the 10 yard line, and only had to make it to the 50 yard line. A difference of 40 yards. With the assistance of class, I left prepared on the 30 yard line, but realized I actually had to make it to the endzone, which is 70 yards away. Ta-da. Thank you sports analogy. Once again you have served your fellow man.

Saturday after the class we made our baby bassinet. Sooooo cute. Then we went out to the car, and I showed my wife everything I learned about car seat installation, and then we installed a second base in our other car. I think comleting those two things, in particular, were significant to complete, because a car seat means we can legally take the baby home from the hospitial, and a bassinet means the baby has somewhere to sleep. So even if we get nothing else done between now and when my wife goes into labor, we’ve got that covered.

On Thursday the delivery folks called to set up a time to deliver our crib, changing table / dresser combo, and glider-ottoman. Alas, they wanted to deliver Saturday, but we’ll be out. So they’ll be delivering Tuesday. My wife is getting antsy (“nesting?”) to take all of this baby stuff and put it somewhere, and organize it, but as of yet we have nowhere to really store it. I think this is causing her some angst, and hopefully getting the furniture delivered will relieve some of her pressure.

The secret Babies R Us Doesn’t Want You to Know

Chalk this up under: it’s all who you know.

My wife and I were at Babies R Us (again) buying the final piece of nursery furniture. The crib we wanted had just arrived in their wherehouse, so we had to rush to the store and order / pay for it since they had a limited quantity in the wherehouse. (Or so we were told. Who knows. Either way, it got us in asap.)

Now, if you read my post a few entries back (and I’m sure you did because you hang on every word I wrote), you’ll know that my goal was to buy everything at once so we can get the 10% discount when you sign up for the Babies R Us credit card. (Which I plan to cancel by the way, but it’s worth doing it to save an extra $250.)

Anyway, because they didn’t have the crib in stock, we couldn’t purchase it with the others. The crib price was $430. We had a coupon from Babies R Us for 15% off any furniture above $250. But it could have been cheaper had we gotten an additional 10% off.

So when we get to the checkout, my wife asks, “Can we get the 10% discount from when we signed up for the card, because you didn’t have this in stock at the time?”  And predictably, the answer was “Sorry, no.”  Which wasn’t a surprise. But didn’t hurt to ask.

BUT! Then the girl behind the register tells us… (And mind you, this is like our 4th trip there buying major stuff, so I can’t believe nobody else mentioned this)… “But if you get a coupon with 2 weeks of your date of purchase, you can bring it in with your receipt and they’ll credit you the amount.”

WH-WH-WHHHAAAT? And, to top it off, she hands us a 15% off coupon that starts in exactly 12 days. So, we have to rush our fannies into Babies R Us on the 13th day (1 day shy of our 14 day limit), and bring in all of our receipts, and bring in all of our coupons, and just see what they can credit us.

Anyway, I found that to be a pretty major feature, and you would think they would advertise that a tad more prominently, because it’s a darn good customer service feature. But, then again, maybe they don’t want people to really know about that.

A big weekend of gifts and shopping

Had a big baby weekend. Perhaps our biggest thus far in the first 33 weeks of pregnancy.

On Saturday, the girls at my wife’s work and her sister threw us a baby shower. My parents flew down on Friday, and her mother surprised her at the baby shower, which was very unexpected.

The shower was fun. The hosts of the shower knew my dad would be with me, so we were both invited. My dad wasn’t sure he wanted to attend the shower. It was touch and go for awhile. We were very close to taking off and going to a driving range, which I think he felt more comfortable doing. But, once we saw the food spread, we decided to stay. Actually, my dad put aside his qualms and said he would do whatever I thought we should do. He wanted to be flexible. He remarked a couple times that he was surprised to find himself at a baby shower. He’s old school. But he socialized like a champ.

I think most of his surprise stemmed from the fact that my wife and her friends at work are not “woooh” or “squeal” girls. They don’t giggle, or do foo-foo things. The party games were quite normal and fun for both women and men of all ages. It was a great shower. Fun people. Fun games. Good food. And we hauled in a ton of stuff.

THEN… we spent 20 hours (okay, 4.5) at Babies ‘R Us and bought everything else we needed. You need help finding something at Babies R Us? How can I assist you? I have the store layout mapped to my brain. Infant goods? Enter the store and take a right, past the registry table. Car seats? A few isles away on the same side of the store. Bedding? Opposite side.

This is where all of our hours upon hours of researching paid off. We went in, knew what we wanted, and loaded up. We dropped a cool $2K in one day at Babies ‘R Us. And here’s the brilliant thing, and I highly recommend for all first-time parents:

1. Sign up early with Babies R Us to get coupons in the mail, and wait until you have some. They seem to send ‘em quite often. And, Babies ‘R Us has some pretty good coupons. (They had coupons for like 20% off of any furniture item more than $500, which the changing table was; and 15% off items $250-$499, which the crib was; long story short: we saved a few hundred just by timing it right with coupons).

2. Buy as much as you can in a single trip, and sign up for the Babies R Us Credit Card, which gives you 10% off when you purchase everything at that time. (10% off for the whole day actually, but who wants to make multiple trips when you’ve been there for over 4 hours?) For us, that meant $200 in savings of our $2K purchases.

3. Do all of your research ahead of time, and have it all figured out BEFORE you get there. Because once you’re there, the store employees aren’t none too bright. Nice and friendly, sure… But they really don’t have the detailed knowledge that a research-geek parent such as yourself craves. Trust me on this fact. (Sample interaction with store clerk: “Excuse me, what’s the difference between these three breast pump packages?” “Umm… they’re all the same.”  “Well, they appear to come in different carrying cases.”  “Well, uh, yeah. Besides that, they’re all the same.”  “But this one has a battery pack that can be removed from the case.”  “Oh, uh. Yeah.”  “And this other one says it comes with different nipple shields.”  “Oh, umm… yeah, that’s different.”  “So why is this one $50 more?” “It has a different case.”  “Okay, thanks.”)  So yeah, have it all mapped out before you show up, because you want to buy it all at once, and if you say, “Nah, let’s research this later,” you’re going to lose out on the 10% savings of getting it together. Plus, you’re going to fight with your significant other. Nothing good comes out of being in a Babies R Us for more than 2 hours.

So not counting about $300 in coupons and combo deals ($150 off when buying glider and ottoman at the same time), we got another $200 for buying it all at once. OH– and my advice gets better (naturally): they offer delivery for $60, but you can do it for up to 5 items. So we’re having them deliver our crib, changing table, glider, and ottomon all for $60. That’s a frickin STEAL!

We used our baby registry as our shopping list, so we walked into the store when they opened, printed out our registry, and bought everything we didn’t get from the shower. One helluva weekend. Lots of free and not-so-free baby items! Now we’re stocked up. Feels good to have a little more done. I still have to put together all of this furniture once it arrives. (The crib is back-ordered.) But that’ll be a post for another day. (A post about building baby furniture chock full o’ cursing and ‘that’s what she said’ jokes.)

Week 33

Today marks week 33. BabyCenter.com tells me that our baby is the weight of a pineapple. Hopefully a bit less prickly on the way out.

We have 7 weeks left to go. Oddly, my wife doesn’t look as pregnant as I would have expected. I mean, she is a tall woman to begin with (5′11″), so perhaps it’s just that her baby belly isn’t as compacted.

7 weeks, and we still don’t have names picked out. We have a girl name, so if it’s a girl — we’re in the clear. But if it’s a boy. Hmm. Mark my words. I don’t think we’ll have a name picked out even by the time our son is getting circumcised. Heck, we took 5 minutes at the farmers market today just deciding if we wanted blackberries or blueberries. This poor son has no hope of being named. But don’t hospitals give you a grace period? Don’t you get like 24 hours to look at the baby and see what name magically presents itself? I guess I could name it the way I named my dog when I was a child — walking down the pet food isle. I named my dog Alppo. (I was a weird kid. Also, I added the extra “P,” but I don’t know why.)  Anyway, we could name our boy Pampers, or Huggies or Gerber.

Even MORE to worry about

My wife and have taken (or are signed up to take) a battery of pre-baby classes: Breast Feeding, Baby Prep, Lamaze. And with each class we get a litany of new “do’s and dont’s.” Which, at the time when you’re sitting in class makes sense, but when you get home, you realize you forget — “Oh my god, how many times a day are we supposed to swab the umbilical cord? Did she say to use alcohol or soap and water? What did she say about giving sponge baths? Was it 2-3 a week? For how long again? How much tummy time are we supposed to squeeze in each day?”

It’s crazy. With all these things we are supposed to remember to do, it’s remarkable any baby has ever lived past the 15 day mark when their belly-button chip clip thing falls off. I mean, look. Here’s the thing: we are the end-product of tens of thousands of years of breeding. We are the survivors in a long line of homo sapiens. The majority probably didn’t make it. But we, we are the select few who were strongest. I don’t know how cavemen cut off their umbilical cords, but I guarantee they didn’t have Q-Tip swabs prepped with betadine.

So I woke up this morning with a dizzying array of tasks in my head: if we have a boy, must sponge bath baby in this manner; if girl, then do it in this manner; sponge bath so many times per week; clean the belly button X # of times per day; breast feed this often; get this much belly time; sit the baby up this way; when bathing, hold your hand here; when breast feeding, tilt the baby like so; here’s how you wrap a baby in swaddling; don’t use this kind of powder; try vegetable oil for dry skin; don’t put soap on the baby’s face; clean the bottle like this not like that; fold your diapers this way…  ARGH!

On one hand, I’m glad to be taking courses and starting to think about all of this. On the other hand– screw it! I’m starting to feel crushed in the weight of things I’m supposed to remember to do. Just have the baby and let the chips fall where they may. The name of the course we took last night was “Baby Prep class.” Honestly, it made me feel less prepared than I was before I took the class. Oh sweet lord baby jesus — there is so much to be done. So much to buy. So much to prepare still. Heck, I was starting to feel queezy after the first 15 minutes of the “prepping your home for baby” segment of class. (Note to self: Must go to Home Depot and after a short breakdown, must pull self together and start babyfying any corner of my home that is more than a 65° angle, and wrap everything in foam and latch every handle.)

Okay, I’m glad I got that out. There. I feel better. Now, just tell me how often to apply vaseline to my baby’s bottom and I’ll do it. (FYI- every second or third diaper changing.)

Healthy as a horse!

In fact, perhaps even healthier than a horse. Because, honestly… if you’re going to kill an animal when it breaks its leg, that can’t be that healthy to begin with.

As part of this whole “hey let’s make new life out of your egg and my spermatozoa” thing, my wife and I decided to get life insurance.  (Oh, and kudos to you if you saw through this sentence as a shallow excuse to use the word “spermatozoa.” Giggle.)

So as part of the life insurance process… we had a guy come to our house and weigh us (booo), and draw blood, and interview us about our health. So he processes my wife’s info first, and then gets to me. He asks, “Who’s your doctor?”  Ummm.  I don’t know. “You don’t know?”  No. It’s been awhile.  “When was the last time you saw a doctor?” Ummm. I don’t know. I think it was 2003 or 2004. I forget. “Where was it?” I think it was in Irvine.

I swear he looked at me like I was trying to pull a fast one on him. But honestly, I don’t know. I’m a guy. Going to the doctor’s office is like a lunar eclipse. Or the arrival of Haley’s comet. It’s just not a top priority.

So my wife turns to me and says, “You are going to see a doctor before this baby is born.” And that’s what I did. A wellness check-up. (Seeing a doctor when I don’t have a problem? Crazy concept.)

Quick tangent: During the interview process, the guy asks me, “Do you have a history of alcoholism?” No. “Have you ever smoked cigarettes?” No. “Have you ever smoked marijuana?” Yes. He pauses. I look back at him. After a long beat I say, “Well, I mean, in college like a dozen years ago. Who hasn’t?” He says, “Do you want that recorded on your paperwork?” And looks at me with a blank stare. I think about it. He’s looking at me still. And then very slowly and cautiously I say, “No?” (And there was definitely a question mark after that.)  And he marks No on the paperwork, and continues on like nothing happened. (Lesson learned: lying for purposes of obtaining life insurance is acceptable and to a certain extent, encouraged.)

Anyway, back to my story: so I find a doctor under my insurance plan, and go visit her. Nice lady. Asks why I’m there, and I just say, “We’re having a baby. My wife made me make an appointment.” This explanation seems to more than satisfy her. Tells me I need to do some situps, get 30 minutes of exercise daily, and watch my diet because of my family history of… everything. (Seriously. Father with a heart attack in his 40s; every aunt and uncle has diabetes because they’re big fat people. Lots of cancer. Lots of high blood pressure. I’m a walking timebomb.) But, otherwise, nothing too worrisome. She gives me a Rx for some blood work, and that’s that.

Today I received my labwork back. And I’m happy to announce that things are looking good. Kidneys, liver, thyroid, hemoglobins, cholesterol, blood pressure… all of it was good. (Well, my HDL could be 1 point higher, and that would be helped by exercise, which I need to do more anyway.)

Mester the 3rd

Mea culpa! Mea culpa!

Time to get back on that blogging horse. I call him “Blogger.” Wasn’t that the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse?* This first post is going to get you caught up to speed with what you’ve missed before I start blogging regularly again. Pretend you just skipped the entire 3rd season of Heroes, and this is a summary of everything that happened before you start watching the 4th season again…

The 2nd trimester, here’s what you missed: Nothing. Well, mostly nothing. When I started this blog, I assumed each day of pregnancy would bring some hilarity or hijinx. Well, in the first trimester — yes. It felt that way. Excited to be pregnant. Trips to the grocery store and trying to find new ways of eating and getting the proper nutrients. Building our baby shower lists. Morning sickness. Sharing news with friends and family. OB exams for the first time.

Then the second trimester hit. the sickness went away. The registry list(s) were done. Everyone who needed to be informed had been informed. Nothing left to do but… wait. And wait. And wait some more.

From an outside observer’s perspective… my wife didn’t look or feel terribly pregnant in the second trimester. We didn’t really have any baby-related tasks to take care of. For the most part we were… well… done.

But then the third trimester hit… and wheeeee! Back up the roller coaster. My wife looks pregnant. She feels (lousy) pregnant. Her shoes don’t fit. The baby is kicking during bedtime. We’re back into the “fun” period. And, my daddy-pregnancy-juices are flowing again, so I’m hoping to convert this excitement into blog posts! (E=mc²?)

So here’s what you need to know going into the 3rd trimester: my wife is due June 4th/7th. (Depending on which measurement you want to put stock in — LMP? Crown to rump?) So we’re about T-minus 9 weeks or so. My wife is now 31 (32? I forget) weeks pregnant. Yes, I’ve stopped calculating which day # we’re on. Mostly because I’m lazy, and partly because– I’m really lazy.

For those of you who came here strictly for my trademark food comparison: this week, Babycenter.com informs me that my baby is the size of a large jicama.

And here’s the real important thing you need to know about the third trimester: Starting within about the last 3 or 4 weeks, my wife’s baby belly began to look like a baby belly. Neighbors are noticing. We go for walks and strangers ask when she’s due. I think my wife appreciates that. Before, she just felt like a “fat chick” (her words, not mine). But now people know why she has ballooned up. She likes that.

I can feel the baby kicking on a regular basis now. Heck, now we can see the baby kicking. Kind of eerie in a “wow that’s cute we gave life to that thing crawling below your skin” sort of way. In the evenings, I do my best to talk to the baby while we’re laying in bed. (My wife insists I say good morning and good night to the baby. After a few weeks of this, I’ve grown accustomed. I usually choose her belly button as my focal point, even though that is not really where the baby’s ears are, only because it would be slightly more weird for me to be whispering into her pubic bone.)

We haven’t settled on a baby name. So each day we pick a different name and take it for a test spin. All day long we use that name, and at the end of the day we evaluate how it felt. We’ve been able to knock off a couple of names that way. When you start using the name in regular sentences, it really helps to see if you still like it. Like trying on a shoe and walking around all day with that shoe before you buy it, rather than just walking in an 8′ radius at the shoe store. But we’re still not sharing our baby names, because I dread the, “Oh wow– I knew a serial killer with that name.”

Two weeks ago we attended our first baby class. It was one about breast feeding, and how to properly breast feed. I was disappointed. Not in the class, that was great. I learned tons. I can’t wait to help my wife breast feed. (So many benefits.) But, I’m disappointed that it made seeing boobs rather… boring. Mundane if you will. Like as if they were breasfeeding from elbows. Big deal. Another boob. Yawn. They ruined breasts for me!

At the class I learned how to make a “baby burrito” (swaddling). Learned proper ways to know if a baby is full or hungry. How often you have to feed. I feel much more armed than before. But I gues I failed to realize that a baby needs to be fed roughly every 2 hours or so. Even at night. That’s crazy. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to say screw it, put in ear plus and roll back over to sleep. But the thought of that right now kills me. And hell– I’ve got the easy part. My poor wife will have to be pumping at all hours of the day so I can get up and feed the baby.

Well, that pretty much catches you up to where we are now. Check back this week, as I’ll be hoping/trying to post on a regular schedule again.

*No, that was Victor.

Day 102

What is wrong with society that someone makes a $900 stroller/crib/car-seat travel system? And what is wrong with me that I really want it?

Last night was round 2 in our Registry Creation saga. I don’t have the actual data to support this next claim (as with most of my claims), but I’m pretty sure we’re averaging about 38.5 minutes per item. That’s got to be some kind of record, right?

And actually that number could go higher, because we still haven’t fully decided on a stroller/car-seat thing yet. And no, I’m not kidding about wanting that $900 one. The gadget freak in me loves the idea, but the practical person in me realizes that it may be a bit expensive for our means. But I’m torn — do I want it because it is $900? I mean, if it was $100, I probably wouldn’t have even given it the time of day. I guess that’s why we have ConsumerReports.org around, so we can wade through the mire of BS marketing and pricing, and find out the true value of the products. And to keep me from immediately being drawn to the most expensive item simply because… well… because it’s the most expensive item. (Expensive = best, right? Er… right? Hello? Is this thing on?)

The primary problem with Consumer Reports is they haven’t updated most of their baby ratings since April 2007, and sometimes they only rate a handful of items, which yields no indication as to the quality or efficacy of items they chose not to rate.

So this is where we’re at. The items that had a clear winner on Consumer Reports were swiftly added to our registry. But there are two groups of items that are posing trouble for us:

1.) Items that are not reviewed in Consumer Reports / not very current in Consumer Reports

2.) Items that we’ve decided to purchase, but that are not sold / available at Babies R’ Us.

In the case of #1, we’ve had to turn to other review sites… which are mostly based on user generated reviews. And there’s one thing I’m sure of: most of society is stupid. We’ve been using Amazon.com, since it seems to have the largest pool of products and the largest base of user reviews. The problem is, for each product, you’ll find 10 5-star ratings, and 10 1-star ratings. People are idiots. Some people give one star because their fat baby won’t fit. Yeah, like that’s my problem you don’t know how to properly breast feed your chubby cherub. Or some people give 5-stars and say, “I haven’t delivered yet, but I just know it’s going to be a great product.” Wait… so you haven’t even used it yet?

Or some reviews have nothing to do with the product at all. “Amazon.com took too long to ship, so I’m giving this product 1-star.”  One thing I appreciate is that Amazon.com shows you rankings for that category, and makes it easy for you to see how similar items ranked in that category. The problem is — what are these supposed rankings based on? More often than not, the bestselling item was the cheapest. So that really doesn’t help me. Or you have to be careful of the items that have 1 review of 5 star, vs. 150 reviews with an average of 3.8 stars. (Oh, and if you really want to have some fun, try searching Diaper Pails. Everyone simultaneously hates and loves every diaper pail product. “It stinks!” “It’s great.” “My kid knocks it over.” “My kid leaves it alone.” It’s almost as if for every unique human out there… there is a unique perspective. Weird. How come humans can’t be more like Borgs with one opinion on everything. Sigh. Don’t they realize all these nuanced opinions are driving me crazy. JUST TELL ME WHAT TO BUY DAMN YOU AMAZON.COM!)

So along with Amazon.com, we’ve found a few different sites to be useful when trying to get the widest cross-section of user opinions. (Walmart, Target, BabyEarth, About.com.) If you have any sites, please do suggest.

Long story short: It’s been difficult to get a clear consensus on nearly any product. There are some that are obviously unanimous winners no matter which site you check with, and those are going on our registry. But, this segues me to issue #2 above… some of our preferred products are not sold at Babies R’ Us. And, rather than compromise simply for registry purposes, we’ve decided to start a 2nd registry at Amazon.com.

Is that weird? Tell me that’s not weird. It’s modern, in a trendy kind of way, right? Not just computer geeky? Wait. Only tell me if you have something positive to say. Otherwise, I don’t want to know.

Better yet, just give us money, and I’ll go shopping for the cheapest price I can find on-line. That’s what I’d really like to do. Give me the money for what you want to buy me, and I’ll go find it with free shipping and free tax and the lowest price available. It’s a win win.

Except for my wife who vetoed that idea. She tells me her vote is worth more because she gets to count the baby’s vote too. Harumph!

Day 101

On Sunday, we began our journey of creating a baby registry. We woke up nice and early (well, that’s a relative term, innit?). With our Consumer Reports Newborn Necessities Checklist in arm, and spirits high, we strode into the local Babies R’ Us and started a new registry. A grueling 3 hours later, we trudged out, groggy, confused, and slightly bitter.

So what happened in that 3 hours that drained our will to register? Well for a normal couple… the event of registering you think would be enjoyable. A breeze. A lark, if you will.  But when I was faced with no-less-than eight varieties of bra inserts… how are we to know which one is the right choice? Or when staring at a phalanx of baby strollers… with a dizzying array of colors and features… I can’t trust my own judgement based on looks. I want, nay… require some type of independent, objective review of these items before I can grant them status on my exalted baby registry.

With that said, I fully realize that we were prisoners of our own device. Certainly had we been more care free, perhaps even trusting of each brand, we would have lifted a huge weight of our shoulders. But because of our need to investigate and research each product… the in-store registry experience was neither enjoyable nor efficient. As we would come to each item on our list, we would look at the many choices presented to us, turn to each other and agree, “Let’s research it when we get home.”  So we opted to delay about… oh… 85% of our list until we could get home and research opinions/reviews on-line. (More on that monkey’s paw in a second…)

In the end, we opted to populate our in-store registry only with those items that didn’t need much research (burping cloths don’t require much investigation), or items that needed to be witnessed firsthand (such as crib bedding “sets”).

Quick tangent: I didn’t even realize crib bedding “sets” existed, but they must because Babies R’ Us devotes an entire wall to ‘em, including blankets, sheets, crib ruffles. In fact, I remember looking at one item and asking, “What does this do?” It seemed to be just a color-coordinated block. She said, “That’s decoration for your wall.”  So apparently your baby not only requires a coordinated set (otherwise it makes the baby cry if the crib doesn’t have a matching dust ruffle?), but also coordinated artwork on the walls. Crazy. But, I digress.

While in-store, we also added many of the “necessity” items suggested in our Consumer Reports checklist. Warning: these are perhaps the most boring items ever devised on a baby registry… read with extreme caution and judiciousness. Items like: Infant Tylenol; Infant Nail Clippers; Petroleum Jelly. (The latter I don’t know why, but it was on the checklist, so we added it. Really though — is someone going to get us a jar of petroleum jelly as a baby shower gift? Hmmm.)

And the second cause of my registry ire that day… So here we are being our usual (overly) practical selves, while at the same time we were surrounded by throngs of other registry-creators who were going crazy with their scanning devices like it was a game of laser tag. “Ooh! Scan this.”  “Oh, scan that.”  “What’s it do?” “I don’t know. Scan it anyway.” Beep. Beep. Beep. It was an orgy of bar code scanners all around us, like crickets around a campfire. And there’s us, slowly and methodically looking at each product, debating which cotton swabs were better to add to our registry. “This one doesn’t explicitly say infant, but on the back they use the word baby in this paragraph…”

But the thing is, I can’t blame the other families. I can sit high atop my Caucasian soap box of indignity (white people love being offended by things)… but in reality, it’s all my own doing. The longer we were in the store, and the more I saw other families come and go, I was getting perturbed with myself, more than anyone else. My wife and I debated scanning “frivolous” items — “What will people think when they see a $90 forehead thermometer on our checklist. Will they think we’re being egregious? Better not scan it.” “Here, scan this $3 dollar baby medicine spoon-vial thing.” I made the whole registry process like 10x harder on myself than it needed to be.

Did we scan the baby wipe warmer? No. Did we scan the bottle warmer? No. Should we have? Hmm. Perhaps. (And we probably will in “Phase II of the registry process: Adding Stupid Shit We Don’t Really Need.”) As it turns out, what we had in hand was a true necessities checklist, as in, “This is what you need to have at home when you walk in the door with the baby.”  Whereas I guess a registry needs to have “sexier,” “giftier” items, like wipe warmers, and not practical items like, “Baby rash ointment.”

So that was our Sunday morning (and afternoon). I left frustrated. Frustrated that I spent 3 hours on just a few items. Frustrated that I am so anal that I turn a simple task like a baby registry into a 12 hour undertaking. And I freely admit this was my own doing. But most of all, frustrated that I missed most of the NFL division playoff game that morning. Look. I’m a lousy shopper. My limit is usually about an hour. So towards the end as I got more frustrated, I became snippier and had to apologize to my wife a couple times. I’m cranky and whiny when shopping goes on too long, and I credit my wife for putting up with me.

But we got home, watched some afternoon NFL football. Re-charged our batteries, and then sat down with the laptop, ConsumerReports.org, ratings and went to town on the rest of our Registry. Now this, I thought, this is how I love to shop. In private, which the sum knowledge of mankind at my fingertips. By the time I’m done, they will have built Rome in less time than it takes me to complete my Baby Registry.

Day 93

19¢ per diaper!!! Beat THAT!

Already I can predict what will be my downfall in this whole pregnancy-birth thing:

A.) My love of budgeting and using financial software.

B.) My love of shopping online for the best deals possible.

I freely admit. I’m a Quicken junkie. My wife and I keep every receipt from every purchase, and I put it into my financial software. Now, I’m not going to try and fool you into thinking I’m a “fun” or “interesting” person, because deep down I’m quite boring. But man do I love waking up each morning and putting receipts into Quicken, downloading my latest credit card transactions, and comparing our spending to our monthly budget for each category. I do this while my wife sleeps. It’s sort of my “me time.” (Look, quit judging me. If I want to spend ME time on balancing my checkbook, then so be it.) In fact, one of my perverse pleasures is checking all of our loan accounts (school, home, car) and making sure that I’ve properly categorized the priniciple vs. interest amounts, down to the exact cent. I don’t know if it’s the German in me, but there’s something oddly satisfying about that precision.

Okay, so now you know the level of my sickness. But that’s not the point of this blog entry. My main concern right now is: how do I categorize all of these baby purchases, now and in the future? We’re going to be spending thousands of dollars, and my brain won’t let me do that until I can figure out how to properly categorize and budget it. My issue isn’t, “Should we buy these items?”  Rather, it’s, “When we buy them, how shall I categorize them so it doesn’t jack up my monthly budget.” Example: when it comes time to buy diapers, usually you buy those at the grocery store. So when I enter the grocery store receipt into Quicken, I’m going to have to raise my budget for “Grociers & Toiletries,” which also means I’m going to have to lower my budget somewhere else. And by how much?

So that’s my problem. There are going to be thousands of dollars in one-time purchases, which I can’t budget for monthly, because we’ll never buy them again. (Cribs, changing tables, diaper pals, crib mattresses, waterproof liners, mattress pads, diaper bag, baby sleeping outfits, baby clothes, etc.) And conversely, there are going to be recurring monthly expenses (diapers, wipes, beer) that I will need to absorb into our budget. And if we can start setting it aside now, we can get used to having less money available for other discretionary spending. (I.e., we’re going to have to trim some fat out of our “Meals & Entertainment” budget, and our monthly allowance budget.)

To tackle this issue, I’ve been Googling things like “How much is this baby going to cost me monthly?” Holy crap. There are a lot of things to buy. I printed out a “Newborn necessities checklist” from Consumer Reports. There were 56… FIFTY SIX items on that list. And about a third of the items listed mutliple quantities, which really brings the total closer to 100 items.

Oh sure, a regular person might be daunted by this task. But not a super computer geek like me. Rather than shirking away from the list, my goal is to buy every item on here, and to buy it at the damn lowest price possible — which usually means online: no tax and no shipping, thank you very much.

And lest you think I’m going for the cheap stuff — no, no. Far from it. Here’s what I do: for each category, I find the highest rated items at ConsumerReports.org, and then I go shopping for that item online. I tell you this so you don’t think I’m going to wrap my baby in some off-brand, loose-fitting, leaky diaper just so I can save 3¢ per diaper. Or that I’m going to put my baby in some shoddily-made cardboard crib bought on the Chinese black market. No no no. I want the best stuff — just as the best prices possible. Is that so wrong?

One thing I will point out: stores like Target andWalmart are very enticing. There used to be a time where you could get the best deals online, or at Costco (but you have to buy in bulk). Frequently, we find Target has better prices even in smaller packaging than I can find at Costco, and often only a few dollars more than the lowest online price. So for all of the hours I spend searching to save $1.48 on a 216 count of diapers, I could have probably driven to my local Target, and purchased the same item for $3.95 more, and had that free time to go do something I enjoy. (Although, shopping online for the lowest prices is what I would do if I had free time, so I guess that’s it’s kind of a win-win.)

And here’s level 2 of my depravity. If I could, I would buy everything possible online, for free tax and free shipping. (Unless I lived in a state that didn’t charge tax. Sigh.) For example, if you buy a 216 count of Pampers Swaddlers (size 1) diapers, you can find them online for as low as 19¢ per diaper. And with Diapers.com, I can get free shipping and no tax. SWEET! And this is how I fill my time, sadly. I’ve spent the past few mornings (during “ME” time), Googling the best deals possible for cribs, diapers, diaper pails, etc. I don’t know if this is a realistic goal, but is it possible to make this a complete on-line baby nursery? Can I buy everything possible from an online source? My right-click mouse finger is giddy at the notion.

Day 80

It has now been 80 days since I found out my wife was pregnant. And apart from falling in love with the movie Juno (thank you Cinemax), I gotta admit that things don’t really seem that different. I assumed back at Day 0 that each day would bring some new baby quandry or hijinx. Yet, I’m sad to report that for the most part, I haven’t found myself in zany mishaps or adventures yet. WHY ISN’T LIFE MORE LIKE A SITCOM?!

Oh well. I suppose there will be a day in the not-too-distant future where I will long for this period of tranquility. The calm before the storm, if you will. Apart from a couple of OB appointments, and about 5 pounds on my part (thanks to the influx of naughty food in our house), this pregnancy hasn’t affected me incredibly yet. They say a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant. A man becomes a father when he sees his baby. So, hopefully this disconneciton I have to the pregnancy won’t be lasting.

Here’s the latest news: We want to get a king bed. But our stupid old house doesn’t have a stairwell big enough to get up which to fit a king bed. Stupid old house. And there’s no window large enough to haul it in. I think we’ll have to get a contractor to come out and evaluate if we can make the stairwell more open (I fear it’s a load-bearing cross-beam and thus we won’t be able to cut a hole above the stairweel)… or do we knock out a wall and pulley up the king bed, and then re-build the wall. Either way, it seems like a lot of money ($5K?) just to get a bed into a house we likely won’t keep.

Oh. Time to board my flight. I’ll have to finish these thoughts on another post.

Day 44: The Most Smartest Baby

My latest mission in Operation Most Awesome Pregnancy Ever (MAPE), is to ensure my wife gets the requisite amount of protein and fruits/vegetables. She’s been getting all the vitamins she needs on a daily basis, but my latest goal is to make sure she’s also getting 7 servings of fruits and vegetables daily. Plus her protein.

OJ in the morning is an easy one. 1 serving. Boom. Done. My wife likes carrots, so that’s an easy #2. Apples are easy to throw into her lunch in the mornings, so that’s 3 servings. Throw in some dried fruit that is easy to snack on — like apricots, 4 servings. Some days I add a banana, which I figure is easy enough, that’s 5 servings. Or grapes as a snack.

The last two are kind of tricky, because she’s not a fan of most vegetables (she likes the starches, but not so much with the broccoli). Actually, they’re all kind of tricky because even though I pack her breakast and lunch in the mornings, I have no guarantee that she’s eating them. I’m like a mom who packs my kids lunch, only to have them trade away the good stuff for french fries. Not that she’s doing that, but I can’t predict which days she feels like eating the mango slices I pack, and which days those come home untouched.

Protein is a challenge as well. The goal is 80-100g. I usually have a glass of milk ready in the morning, which is like 10g. She has some turkey sausage low-fat breakfast sandwich in the morning, which is 18g. Her lunch (usually a microwave meal) is typically about 22 g or so. That puts me at 50g for the morning. Or, if she has yogurt, that’s another dozen.

As you can tell, I’m kind of anal about this stuff. I don’t want a flipper baby because I neglected to have my wife eat grapes. I read in one of my Daddy Pregnancy books about the importance of getting lots of protein in these weeks of pregnancy, which can aid in building brain cells. And if my kid is going to get 1600 on the SATs, I need to start that protein NOW.

Day 40: What’s Next?

Okay,

So here’s my dirty secret: This post wasn’t really written on Nov 11th, as the byline would otherwise have you believe. I’m about a week behind on my blogging, so I’m doing a handful of posts right now. Just think of me as a blogging camel.

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ll be able to come up with 7 posts in order to catch up. Because really, I don’t have 7 different interesting baby things to talk about. But, I’m sitting at my hotel bar, watching Monday night football, with a beer, in hopes of jump starting the ol’ creative juices.

And see– I’m already like 3 paragraphs in, and I have yet to discuss anything of substance. I’m king of bullshit stretching book reports and the like.

Here’s the most recent baby news: Peanut is still there as best we know. I’m not sure when my wife’s next ultrasound is. Next Thursday, she has a “sequential screening,” which is a non-invasive test for certian genetic problems. Based on that result, you get a risk score — 2% to 90% or something like that — and they tell you what your odds are of having some genetic problems. Plus, I think she has to get stuck for a blood draw to see if she’s a carrier for cystic fibrosis, or something or other. The doctor told us, “We first check one of you, and if you’re not a carrier, than your baby is safe. If one of you is a carrier, we have to check the other parent.”  Being the galant, chivalrous husband I am, I prompty volunteered my wife to be the first one to get stuck.

Look– I don’t like needles. I do a lot for my wife. Back off. You know what. I don’t need to justify myself to you.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering– yes, my wife still has day-long morning sickness. Poor girl.

Day 32: A break during the break

Days pregnant: 67 U.S., 53 Europe

I know I know. You’ve patiently waited. Finally. An actual post relating to the pregnancy.

So we got some good news today on the financial front! One of the things we’ve (I’ve) been dreading is the financial hit that we’re going to take while my wife is off during her pregnancy.

Quick tangential thought: I wonder if squeezing a bowling ball out of your vagina is worth 3 months off from work? If someone said to me, “Jeff, pass this kumquat through your urethra, and we’ll give you 3 months off from work…”  Would I do it? I’m seriously considering it.

Anyway, back on track… So here’s the good news… The state of California covers 55% of your salary for 6 weeks (30 work days?) while you’re off during maternity leave. Then, the Californian Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) covers a 2nd 6 weeks (another 30 work days) at 55%.

So that’s 12 weeks that my wife will be getting 55% of her salary covered. Thank you, Democrats.

But, wait, there’s more: My wife’s work has thing secret “major sick leave” thing, where every year you work there, you get a week accrued. Nobody knows about it, because apparently they don’t want you using it. But my wife talked to her HR rep today, and he confirmed that it exists, and that she has 6 weeks (30 days) saved up.

Since the state “only” covers 55% of her salary during those 12 weeks, her HR person said that her work will cover the remaining 45% from her major sick leave accrual. How cool is that???

So quick math tells us that she needs to come up with 45% of her salary for 60 days. So 60 days @ 45% = 27 days. Well, she has 30 days of major sick leave saved up, so she can apply that.

Which means: For 12 weeks, her salary is covered at 100%. Plus, she’ll have a few more days left over, and sne can also use vacation or normal sick days on top of that.

So YAAAAAAY. We still have to start saving in a major way for other things, but this is a bit of good news. In addition, her work offers flexible spending accounts that are pre-tax deductions that you can set aside for things like child-care. We still haven’t decided what we’re going to do for child care (Nanny? Day-care?). We have no relatives down here. I have a sister-in-law who says she’ll be our nanny if we move up there. But, then we just need someone to buy our house at the price we paid, and that would be no problem. Any takers?

PS- My alternate plan is to go on the gameshow “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?” and win enough money to pay off most of our house, which would allow us to move and be closer to family. If you or anybody you know works for that show, drop me a line. PLEEEASE.