What does 34 weeks look like anyway?

My wife is pretty tall – 5′11 (she claims 5′10 but I’m doing what guys do and rounding up). So relative to her height, the baby pooch appears smaller. But I assume if she was shorter, with a pooch of the same size, it would appear larger. Essentially, she’s an optical illusion, I guess is my point.

Yesterday, we were at a bakery and the girl behind the counter asked how far along she was. “34 weeks,” my wife acknowledged. The girl behind the counter was amazed, “Wow, you look great.” That’s not the first time my wife has heard that.

So we’ll see in the remaining 6 weeks (we hope) if she ever gets to the point where you look at her and go, “Wow, that lady is about to pop.”

Quick tangent: she does not want her belly button to pop out. Each week I take notice and say, “I don’t know – its a little less shallow than it was last week.” But she refutes this and claims that there is no way her belly button will pop out. 6 weeks to go, we’ll see who wins that bet.

The secret Babies R Us Doesn’t Want You to Know

Chalk this up under: it’s all who you know.

My wife and I were at Babies R Us (again) buying the final piece of nursery furniture. The crib we wanted had just arrived in their wherehouse, so we had to rush to the store and order / pay for it since they had a limited quantity in the wherehouse. (Or so we were told. Who knows. Either way, it got us in asap.)

Now, if you read my post a few entries back (and I’m sure you did because you hang on every word I wrote), you’ll know that my goal was to buy everything at once so we can get the 10% discount when you sign up for the Babies R Us credit card. (Which I plan to cancel by the way, but it’s worth doing it to save an extra $250.)

Anyway, because they didn’t have the crib in stock, we couldn’t purchase it with the others. The crib price was $430. We had a coupon from Babies R Us for 15% off any furniture above $250. But it could have been cheaper had we gotten an additional 10% off.

So when we get to the checkout, my wife asks, “Can we get the 10% discount from when we signed up for the card, because you didn’t have this in stock at the time?”  And predictably, the answer was “Sorry, no.”  Which wasn’t a surprise. But didn’t hurt to ask.

BUT! Then the girl behind the register tells us… (And mind you, this is like our 4th trip there buying major stuff, so I can’t believe nobody else mentioned this)… “But if you get a coupon with 2 weeks of your date of purchase, you can bring it in with your receipt and they’ll credit you the amount.”

WH-WH-WHHHAAAT? And, to top it off, she hands us a 15% off coupon that starts in exactly 12 days. So, we have to rush our fannies into Babies R Us on the 13th day (1 day shy of our 14 day limit), and bring in all of our receipts, and bring in all of our coupons, and just see what they can credit us.

Anyway, I found that to be a pretty major feature, and you would think they would advertise that a tad more prominently, because it’s a darn good customer service feature. But, then again, maybe they don’t want people to really know about that.

Gotta start planning now

I turned to my wife this evening and asked her, “So, what race do we want to teach our baby to hate?” She wasn’t amused. But you gotta start planning these things ahead of time.

But then I realized the answer: people whose second toe is longer than their big toe. I realize that’s not a race. But that’s what I’m going to teach my baby to hate.

Papi mobile!

Omg. I just figured out how to post from my blackberry. This opens up a whole new world of quick, random thoughts.

To start things off: we’re at week 34. While my wife isn’t in full waddle mode yet, she’s defintely developed herself a sashay.

A big weekend of gifts and shopping

Had a big baby weekend. Perhaps our biggest thus far in the first 33 weeks of pregnancy.

On Saturday, the girls at my wife’s work and her sister threw us a baby shower. My parents flew down on Friday, and her mother surprised her at the baby shower, which was very unexpected.

The shower was fun. The hosts of the shower knew my dad would be with me, so we were both invited. My dad wasn’t sure he wanted to attend the shower. It was touch and go for awhile. We were very close to taking off and going to a driving range, which I think he felt more comfortable doing. But, once we saw the food spread, we decided to stay. Actually, my dad put aside his qualms and said he would do whatever I thought we should do. He wanted to be flexible. He remarked a couple times that he was surprised to find himself at a baby shower. He’s old school. But he socialized like a champ.

I think most of his surprise stemmed from the fact that my wife and her friends at work are not “woooh” or “squeal” girls. They don’t giggle, or do foo-foo things. The party games were quite normal and fun for both women and men of all ages. It was a great shower. Fun people. Fun games. Good food. And we hauled in a ton of stuff.

THEN… we spent 20 hours (okay, 4.5) at Babies ‘R Us and bought everything else we needed. You need help finding something at Babies R Us? How can I assist you? I have the store layout mapped to my brain. Infant goods? Enter the store and take a right, past the registry table. Car seats? A few isles away on the same side of the store. Bedding? Opposite side.

This is where all of our hours upon hours of researching paid off. We went in, knew what we wanted, and loaded up. We dropped a cool $2K in one day at Babies ‘R Us. And here’s the brilliant thing, and I highly recommend for all first-time parents:

1. Sign up early with Babies R Us to get coupons in the mail, and wait until you have some. They seem to send ‘em quite often. And, Babies ‘R Us has some pretty good coupons. (They had coupons for like 20% off of any furniture item more than $500, which the changing table was; and 15% off items $250-$499, which the crib was; long story short: we saved a few hundred just by timing it right with coupons).

2. Buy as much as you can in a single trip, and sign up for the Babies R Us Credit Card, which gives you 10% off when you purchase everything at that time. (10% off for the whole day actually, but who wants to make multiple trips when you’ve been there for over 4 hours?) For us, that meant $200 in savings of our $2K purchases.

3. Do all of your research ahead of time, and have it all figured out BEFORE you get there. Because once you’re there, the store employees aren’t none too bright. Nice and friendly, sure… But they really don’t have the detailed knowledge that a research-geek parent such as yourself craves. Trust me on this fact. (Sample interaction with store clerk: “Excuse me, what’s the difference between these three breast pump packages?” “Umm… they’re all the same.”  “Well, they appear to come in different carrying cases.”  “Well, uh, yeah. Besides that, they’re all the same.”  “But this one has a battery pack that can be removed from the case.”  “Oh, uh. Yeah.”  “And this other one says it comes with different nipple shields.”  “Oh, umm… yeah, that’s different.”  “So why is this one $50 more?” “It has a different case.”  “Okay, thanks.”)  So yeah, have it all mapped out before you show up, because you want to buy it all at once, and if you say, “Nah, let’s research this later,” you’re going to lose out on the 10% savings of getting it together. Plus, you’re going to fight with your significant other. Nothing good comes out of being in a Babies R Us for more than 2 hours.

So not counting about $300 in coupons and combo deals ($150 off when buying glider and ottoman at the same time), we got another $200 for buying it all at once. OH– and my advice gets better (naturally): they offer delivery for $60, but you can do it for up to 5 items. So we’re having them deliver our crib, changing table, glider, and ottomon all for $60. That’s a frickin STEAL!

We used our baby registry as our shopping list, so we walked into the store when they opened, printed out our registry, and bought everything we didn’t get from the shower. One helluva weekend. Lots of free and not-so-free baby items! Now we’re stocked up. Feels good to have a little more done. I still have to put together all of this furniture once it arrives. (The crib is back-ordered.) But that’ll be a post for another day. (A post about building baby furniture chock full o’ cursing and ‘that’s what she said’ jokes.)

It’s too late to turn back now…

Although reading this article didn’t help…

CNN: Moms spill truth about motherhood

Week 33

Today marks week 33. BabyCenter.com tells me that our baby is the weight of a pineapple. Hopefully a bit less prickly on the way out.

We have 7 weeks left to go. Oddly, my wife doesn’t look as pregnant as I would have expected. I mean, she is a tall woman to begin with (5′11″), so perhaps it’s just that her baby belly isn’t as compacted.

7 weeks, and we still don’t have names picked out. We have a girl name, so if it’s a girl — we’re in the clear. But if it’s a boy. Hmm. Mark my words. I don’t think we’ll have a name picked out even by the time our son is getting circumcised. Heck, we took 5 minutes at the farmers market today just deciding if we wanted blackberries or blueberries. This poor son has no hope of being named. But don’t hospitals give you a grace period? Don’t you get like 24 hours to look at the baby and see what name magically presents itself? I guess I could name it the way I named my dog when I was a child — walking down the pet food isle. I named my dog Alppo. (I was a weird kid. Also, I added the extra “P,” but I don’t know why.)  Anyway, we could name our boy Pampers, or Huggies or Gerber.

Even MORE to worry about

My wife and have taken (or are signed up to take) a battery of pre-baby classes: Breast Feeding, Baby Prep, Lamaze. And with each class we get a litany of new “do’s and dont’s.” Which, at the time when you’re sitting in class makes sense, but when you get home, you realize you forget — “Oh my god, how many times a day are we supposed to swab the umbilical cord? Did she say to use alcohol or soap and water? What did she say about giving sponge baths? Was it 2-3 a week? For how long again? How much tummy time are we supposed to squeeze in each day?”

It’s crazy. With all these things we are supposed to remember to do, it’s remarkable any baby has ever lived past the 15 day mark when their belly-button chip clip thing falls off. I mean, look. Here’s the thing: we are the end-product of tens of thousands of years of breeding. We are the survivors in a long line of homo sapiens. The majority probably didn’t make it. But we, we are the select few who were strongest. I don’t know how cavemen cut off their umbilical cords, but I guarantee they didn’t have Q-Tip swabs prepped with betadine.

So I woke up this morning with a dizzying array of tasks in my head: if we have a boy, must sponge bath baby in this manner; if girl, then do it in this manner; sponge bath so many times per week; clean the belly button X # of times per day; breast feed this often; get this much belly time; sit the baby up this way; when bathing, hold your hand here; when breast feeding, tilt the baby like so; here’s how you wrap a baby in swaddling; don’t use this kind of powder; try vegetable oil for dry skin; don’t put soap on the baby’s face; clean the bottle like this not like that; fold your diapers this way…  ARGH!

On one hand, I’m glad to be taking courses and starting to think about all of this. On the other hand– screw it! I’m starting to feel crushed in the weight of things I’m supposed to remember to do. Just have the baby and let the chips fall where they may. The name of the course we took last night was “Baby Prep class.” Honestly, it made me feel less prepared than I was before I took the class. Oh sweet lord baby jesus — there is so much to be done. So much to buy. So much to prepare still. Heck, I was starting to feel queezy after the first 15 minutes of the “prepping your home for baby” segment of class. (Note to self: Must go to Home Depot and after a short breakdown, must pull self together and start babyfying any corner of my home that is more than a 65° angle, and wrap everything in foam and latch every handle.)

Okay, I’m glad I got that out. There. I feel better. Now, just tell me how often to apply vaseline to my baby’s bottom and I’ll do it. (FYI- every second or third diaper changing.)

Healthy as a horse!

In fact, perhaps even healthier than a horse. Because, honestly… if you’re going to kill an animal when it breaks its leg, that can’t be that healthy to begin with.

As part of this whole “hey let’s make new life out of your egg and my spermatozoa” thing, my wife and I decided to get life insurance.  (Oh, and kudos to you if you saw through this sentence as a shallow excuse to use the word “spermatozoa.” Giggle.)

So as part of the life insurance process… we had a guy come to our house and weigh us (booo), and draw blood, and interview us about our health. So he processes my wife’s info first, and then gets to me. He asks, “Who’s your doctor?”  Ummm.  I don’t know. “You don’t know?”  No. It’s been awhile.  “When was the last time you saw a doctor?” Ummm. I don’t know. I think it was 2003 or 2004. I forget. “Where was it?” I think it was in Irvine.

I swear he looked at me like I was trying to pull a fast one on him. But honestly, I don’t know. I’m a guy. Going to the doctor’s office is like a lunar eclipse. Or the arrival of Haley’s comet. It’s just not a top priority.

So my wife turns to me and says, “You are going to see a doctor before this baby is born.” And that’s what I did. A wellness check-up. (Seeing a doctor when I don’t have a problem? Crazy concept.)

Quick tangent: During the interview process, the guy asks me, “Do you have a history of alcoholism?” No. “Have you ever smoked cigarettes?” No. “Have you ever smoked marijuana?” Yes. He pauses. I look back at him. After a long beat I say, “Well, I mean, in college like a dozen years ago. Who hasn’t?” He says, “Do you want that recorded on your paperwork?” And looks at me with a blank stare. I think about it. He’s looking at me still. And then very slowly and cautiously I say, “No?” (And there was definitely a question mark after that.)  And he marks No on the paperwork, and continues on like nothing happened. (Lesson learned: lying for purposes of obtaining life insurance is acceptable and to a certain extent, encouraged.)

Anyway, back to my story: so I find a doctor under my insurance plan, and go visit her. Nice lady. Asks why I’m there, and I just say, “We’re having a baby. My wife made me make an appointment.” This explanation seems to more than satisfy her. Tells me I need to do some situps, get 30 minutes of exercise daily, and watch my diet because of my family history of… everything. (Seriously. Father with a heart attack in his 40s; every aunt and uncle has diabetes because they’re big fat people. Lots of cancer. Lots of high blood pressure. I’m a walking timebomb.) But, otherwise, nothing too worrisome. She gives me a Rx for some blood work, and that’s that.

Today I received my labwork back. And I’m happy to announce that things are looking good. Kidneys, liver, thyroid, hemoglobins, cholesterol, blood pressure… all of it was good. (Well, my HDL could be 1 point higher, and that would be helped by exercise, which I need to do more anyway.)

Mester the 3rd

Mea culpa! Mea culpa!

Time to get back on that blogging horse. I call him “Blogger.” Wasn’t that the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse?* This first post is going to get you caught up to speed with what you’ve missed before I start blogging regularly again. Pretend you just skipped the entire 3rd season of Heroes, and this is a summary of everything that happened before you start watching the 4th season again…

The 2nd trimester, here’s what you missed: Nothing. Well, mostly nothing. When I started this blog, I assumed each day of pregnancy would bring some hilarity or hijinx. Well, in the first trimester — yes. It felt that way. Excited to be pregnant. Trips to the grocery store and trying to find new ways of eating and getting the proper nutrients. Building our baby shower lists. Morning sickness. Sharing news with friends and family. OB exams for the first time.

Then the second trimester hit. the sickness went away. The registry list(s) were done. Everyone who needed to be informed had been informed. Nothing left to do but… wait. And wait. And wait some more.

From an outside observer’s perspective… my wife didn’t look or feel terribly pregnant in the second trimester. We didn’t really have any baby-related tasks to take care of. For the most part we were… well… done.

But then the third trimester hit… and wheeeee! Back up the roller coaster. My wife looks pregnant. She feels (lousy) pregnant. Her shoes don’t fit. The baby is kicking during bedtime. We’re back into the “fun” period. And, my daddy-pregnancy-juices are flowing again, so I’m hoping to convert this excitement into blog posts! (E=mc²?)

So here’s what you need to know going into the 3rd trimester: my wife is due June 4th/7th. (Depending on which measurement you want to put stock in — LMP? Crown to rump?) So we’re about T-minus 9 weeks or so. My wife is now 31 (32? I forget) weeks pregnant. Yes, I’ve stopped calculating which day # we’re on. Mostly because I’m lazy, and partly because– I’m really lazy.

For those of you who came here strictly for my trademark food comparison: this week, Babycenter.com informs me that my baby is the size of a large jicama.

And here’s the real important thing you need to know about the third trimester: Starting within about the last 3 or 4 weeks, my wife’s baby belly began to look like a baby belly. Neighbors are noticing. We go for walks and strangers ask when she’s due. I think my wife appreciates that. Before, she just felt like a “fat chick” (her words, not mine). But now people know why she has ballooned up. She likes that.

I can feel the baby kicking on a regular basis now. Heck, now we can see the baby kicking. Kind of eerie in a “wow that’s cute we gave life to that thing crawling below your skin” sort of way. In the evenings, I do my best to talk to the baby while we’re laying in bed. (My wife insists I say good morning and good night to the baby. After a few weeks of this, I’ve grown accustomed. I usually choose her belly button as my focal point, even though that is not really where the baby’s ears are, only because it would be slightly more weird for me to be whispering into her pubic bone.)

We haven’t settled on a baby name. So each day we pick a different name and take it for a test spin. All day long we use that name, and at the end of the day we evaluate how it felt. We’ve been able to knock off a couple of names that way. When you start using the name in regular sentences, it really helps to see if you still like it. Like trying on a shoe and walking around all day with that shoe before you buy it, rather than just walking in an 8′ radius at the shoe store. But we’re still not sharing our baby names, because I dread the, “Oh wow– I knew a serial killer with that name.”

Two weeks ago we attended our first baby class. It was one about breast feeding, and how to properly breast feed. I was disappointed. Not in the class, that was great. I learned tons. I can’t wait to help my wife breast feed. (So many benefits.) But, I’m disappointed that it made seeing boobs rather… boring. Mundane if you will. Like as if they were breasfeeding from elbows. Big deal. Another boob. Yawn. They ruined breasts for me!

At the class I learned how to make a “baby burrito” (swaddling). Learned proper ways to know if a baby is full or hungry. How often you have to feed. I feel much more armed than before. But I gues I failed to realize that a baby needs to be fed roughly every 2 hours or so. Even at night. That’s crazy. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to say screw it, put in ear plus and roll back over to sleep. But the thought of that right now kills me. And hell– I’ve got the easy part. My poor wife will have to be pumping at all hours of the day so I can get up and feed the baby.

Well, that pretty much catches you up to where we are now. Check back this week, as I’ll be hoping/trying to post on a regular schedule again.

*No, that was Victor.