Days pregnant: 64 U.S., 50 Europe
So here we are on the first Friday Halloween in … well… geez… I honestly don’t remember the last time Hallowen fell on a Friday. (2003, thanks Wikipedia.) Is there a more perfect day for Halloween?
Seriously. Answer that question. I’ll wait.
Still waiting.
You know why you can’t answer that– besides the fact that this blog is a one-way communication medium and doesn’t allow you to interact with it in real time– and besides the fact that I posed a rhetorical question to begin with — simply because it is the most perfect day for Halloween. You get all of the weekend to recover. You can half-ass it at work– which you were going to anyway because it’s a Friday– and because Friday already has everyone in a good mood, this just makes it even better– like MSG on Chinese food.
And yet, despite today having the potential to be the most bestest Halloween ever… we have no plans to party. And even spookiest of all– I’m fine with that. I must be gettin’ old, because all we want to do is order a pizza, sit on our lawn chairs along our drive way, and hand out candy as the parades of kids march by.
This is what I did last year… grabbed some lawn chairs, and made a crock pot full of spiked apple cider (“apple cider and rum,” it was a very difficult recipe). And then I handed out candy to the kids, and styrofoam cups to the adults. It was the hit o’ the block. (Ps- Firefox wants me to capitalize styrofoam. I refuse to do so.)
We even had some next door neighbors come join us. It was the rest of the block short of a block party, but at least for our two houses, we all had a good time meeting each other and sitting outside watching the streams of goblins and cheerleaders.
(By the way, sexy cheerleaders? Really? You’re going to let your 8 year old dress up as a slutty sexy cheerleader? Whatever.)
Oh, and don’t think I don’t take my candy-handing-out responsibilities seriously. Every year, I refuse to purchase crap candy, which would include, but is not limited to: Sweethearts, candy corn, jolly ranchers, wax teeth, gum, and anything not made up of candy (stickers, coins, spider rings).
See, the problem with most adults is they forget how to be a kid. I remember what it was like to get shitty candy, and that ain’t happening on my watch. We’ve spent about $40 in GOOD candy. (Sadly, I budget for this in my Quicken financial software. We set aside $3.50 a month for Halloween candy. Look, I never said I wasn’t the biggest geek in the world. Lay off.)
Anyway, this year, we have 12 varieties of candy, and I’ve arranged them from least favorite, to favorite. And when kids come up to us, I’m going to judge them on a variety of factors– originality of costume, design of costume, and Halloween spirit. (No mopey teenagers, please.) Based on that combined score, I will dole out the candy I feel is commensurate to their score. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep it a secret; I’m not out to hurt their feelings, but seriously– if all you’re going to do is put on a different t-shirt, then you deserve plain M&Ms.)
So, in order from worst to best, I’ve rated my candy selection:
Tier 1: The filler candy that came in the variety pack
- 1: Hershey’s chocolate bar. (Seriously? Just a bar of chocolate? You know when you get those big variety bags of candy… well they always manage to stuff it with some lame candy that they would never sell otherwise. I might as well save these to use as filler when shipping via UPS. This candy is dead to me. If you get one from me this year, you should be offended.)
- 2: Plain M&Ms.
- 3: Nestle’s Crunch.
- 4: Kit Kat bar.
Tier 2: The good candy you use when bartering with your sibling
- 5: Almond joy. (By the way, Almond Joy is the least motivated candy bar. Almonds, coconut… it has so much promise. But… in the end… it just lacks something. Caramel? I don’t know. It’s a good bar, don’t get me wrong… but it lacks the Star quality of, say, a Snickers. )
- 6: Peanut M&Ms. (This is a damn good candy, and as an adult, it’s one of my favorite. And let THIS blow your mind: We’re only halfway through my rankings. Imagine how much better it gets…)
- 7: Butterfinger. (I wanted to rank this one higher, but President Wife vetoed.)
- 8: Heath bar. (These are my wife’s favorite, but with only two ingredients, I refused to let them into the exclusive Tier 3 club. Although I will concede that they are the top of Tier 2.)
Tier 3: The stuff you eat last in your pillow-case of candy loot
- 9: Baby Ruth. (When my wife and I were ordering our candy, there was a brief impasse where I wanted to rank Baby Ruth higher than Snickers. I eventually caved.)
- 10: Snickers. (Oh, if you want a Snickers from my bowl, you better bring it.)
- 11: 100 Grand Bar.
- 12: Reese’s Peanut Butter cups– FULL SIZE. I’m not messing with those little tiny cups. This is the real deal, folks.
So that’s my strategy this year. Get some pizza delivery, and pass judgement on little kids. Really, does it get any better (on a Friday)?
Oh, I’m supposed to somehow relate this to my wife’s pregnancy: Umm… she’s still pregnant today. Ta-da!
Posted by Manchild 